my whole world

I now believe the reason I've been feeling sick is the reason why I've been holding on this for so long.

Loosing you was giving away a huge part of myself, my identity and I think I'll never get that back.
I miss you everyday, miss your smell, the funny sound of your toe beans walking against my bedroom floor.

You were (and are) soul from my soul, as I told you so many times.
I wish I had one more chance to tell you how you are my whole world.

I love you till all the worlds colapse.

wrong

Today, Earth's gravity was stronger than ever - and it hurted.

Hope and ripped dreams were buried somewhere far away. It's too late to come back to that breath of faith and happiness. Good things are not meant to last, now I am sure about that.

You make another step forward but it feels backwards. I can still feel you hold me in your arms on your last birthday. 

The twisted feelings and histories keep me awake at night. I really thought some miracle had happened and all the pain went away.

But today Earth's gravity showed me how I have been wrong all this time.

And at least I'm writing back again.

Too little to rescue (?)

Here's to another night.

The flush of pain seems to silently stares at me through the door already closed.

Somehow, it can always escape and haunt me - and nobody sees it.

It's getting harder to look away - how can't they see it?!

The glass of the window next to me mirrors my inside.

It's cold outside, but so much harder to breath inside.

Here's to another night.

Here's to another #endo flare-up.

"You shiver when the wind blows

Through doors that lost their keys

There's too little to rescue, too little to hang on to"

Here

The stunning need of letting go is being repulsive by the need of wanting everything and not loosing a single moment. 

The thoughts in my head don’t stop of spiraling and I need to rest despite I can’t. 

This moon energy is so pure and so strong that it’s really hard to think clearly and to make decisions. 

Just be. Here. 

Is the best you can do for now.

*

Silence

The sound of silence is a music within so much deep feelings and connotations. It echoes in our mind if we listen it carefully. 

But, for me, what really stays is the concern about all the things not said. All the words we have inside our chest and sometimes burn and, yet, remain unsaid. Why?

Why do I keep some thoughts and words in loop in my mind, like they should matter, like I should find a way to let them out? And, yet, they get me freeze.

“People hearing without listening.” This also concerns me. This is a constant in our world, nowadays. Listening or being listened is a luxury.

All of this makes us far away from each other, I honestly feel most of people I say Hi to are faking it.

I know why. Fear makes us act like this. Fear is so strong that sometimes stops us from living and loving.

I love the sound of silence. Love to feeling it with all my wishes. But starts hurting when I reach the top of words locked and that need to be said. Right not, I need to disturb the sound of silence.

And that’s important, too. Speak our truth should never be a moment of fear. But it is. At least I still feel it that way.

Hello darkness, my old friend.

The wind that blows

People say there is a wind

A furious, cruel, unmerciful wind

No-one know where it came from

But when it suddenly appears, it blows.

You hear it reaching your land.

Your fears, your ghosts, the dust.

All go away with the wind -

Now it doesn't seem to be so cruel, does it?-

(If you want to pay attention, you need to focus)

Which way?

 Now it's even more hard to breathe. Literally.

The pain upon my chest, before emotional, seems now physical. Breathing slowly is always the answer for panic attacks, however you never know when a panic attack selected you and kidnap you into that world you thought you had left few lives before. It's like you are now in the same room, sitting on the cold floor. Sometimes the walls start to spin, despite you don't know for sure if it ever had stop.

And after a while, fortunately, silence. You start to see more clear, it feels like you are again in control and nothing bad happens. You can stand up and feel closer to home.

I bet this illusory happiness is the fuel for a lot of somebody's daily life.

I also believe one day all that somebodies will beat this for good. And today was just not my day.

New dawn

 It was a sunny day and she sat

On the same old warm bench at the park-

A dragonfly stopped in from of her

But it really didn’t stop as its wings keep on moving-

And in that moment the world stopped

And she felt special for being there waiting.

The imperceptible ways of thinking

When we look out of the window, what do we see? When we are about to get the best moment of our life, which are the words that our brain start to draw?

Our surrounding will have a manifest on us. Our past, our history, our DNA (and everything that happens that can change it).

There are several questions about what motivates this serie to become so fascinating so fast, but to me the reason is very simple: the eager to win what we believe we could win at first. The eager to do what we do so naturally that thinking becomes a way of breathing. 

In general, people are motivated by easy and fast results and honestly I believe that the increase of demand of chessboard, chess books and applications in chess clubs is exactly because of these reasons. Sooner a huge percentage will drop-off this idea.

During this story, it is also notable the hard work of the main character by studying continuously, by exploring different perspectives for different game fronts to her final goal: the winning. All of this despite her natural and special skills.

The Queen's Gambit exhibit by Netflix takes us to an extraordinary world of wins.

To me, it gave me far more than that. I was living in that season and feeling every silent pause of Harmon before her next move. I was there, with her, although I know nothing about chess.

It is also strongly shown her natural potential to think differently, in ways other people don't. All the scenarios were also perfectly chosen, the colours, the objects, the lights. And this rises the question: what is not so clearly seen on the story?

 

The (probable) undiagnosed autism spectrum disorder of the main character. And that, that is the basis of everything. Either because explains her reactions to any and every situation she lives during her story, either because it shows that there are no limitations to success.

A winner mindset will always depend on you, no matter the circumstances. You will fall, you will fight, but you also sense the flavour of victory. And knowing you are the best in what you do, well, that must be speechless.

And this is what moves us: the continuously possibility of being more, learning more. This is a brilliant show that should be seen a second time, through a different window and eyes.

And you, what does move you?

About that

Millions of images and thoughts pass through our mind everyday, since time zero we are awake. Why an how do we formulate our life decisions based on that? There is so much more simple science can not make it simpler. We are a complex wide of feelings, experiences, memories, traumas, dreams and hopes. We need constant aproval, conscient or not, at least from ourselves. Here is to the ones who always seem to complicate what is easy when they really are trying to push themshelves forward, when they are creating their own world while everyone else is asleep. #lifecall #dreamlouder